


(never) enough

by babybluebells



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (sort of?), Akaashi Keiji-centric, Bokuto Koutarou is a Good Friend, Character Study, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Overthinking, Pre-Relationship, Stressed Akaashi Keiji, Studying, Texting, Third Year Akaashi Keiji, Unhealthy Studying Habits, he’s just really stressed okay, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:48:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28083453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babybluebells/pseuds/babybluebells
Summary: He’s done enough. He knows this. But his brain is still telling him that there’s more to do.
Relationships: (if you squint) - Relationship, Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	(never) enough

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!
> 
> I had an exam this week and wrote this the night before when I was supposed to be sleeping... my brain wouldn’t shut off so I tried putting it all into words and projecting some of my problems onto poor Akaashi. Sorry bb ;-;
> 
> In case anyone's wondering, Akaashi is a third year here, so he and Bokuto don't go to school together anymore but they still talk very frequently. Akaashi's unhealthy habits stem from his habit of overthinking, as well as the pressure he puts on himself to do well given his past academic performance and university entrance exams creeping around the corner.
> 
> They aren't together (yet), but both have reasons for not saying anything to each other about it. Akaashi is of the impression that Bokuto doesn't feel the same way, and even if he did, it'd be hard at the moment because they don't go to the same school and Bokuto's probably very busy with volleyball. (I'm of the impression that Bokuto went pro right after high school instead of going to university). On the other hand, Bokuto hasn't said anything, but he knows how Akaashi feels and wants to wait until Akaashi's ready. Just some background info on them and their "relationship" since it isn't explicitly mentioned!
> 
> The title is NOT from The Greatest Showman but I can guarantee that I had Never Enough stuck in my head every time I read it. The placeholder title was “it’s that pre-exam brainrot” which basically sums up what this is. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Exam week starts tomorrow.

Keiji doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting here, poring over his notes and typing away at his laptop like a madman. The sun’s starting to set, so it’s been a few hours at least. In any case, it’s been far too long since he’s taken a proper break and his neck and back are practically screaming at him for it.

He’s only now realizing how hungry he is. He hadn’t bothered to eat a proper meal earlier, instead opting to grab something quick from the kitchen shelf before booking it back to his room for more review. His stomach grumbles in protest.

Sighing, he decides he can afford to give himself a few minutes before he inevitably ends up back at his desk for another few hours. He’s aware that he should probably sleep earlier so that he can actually get a decent amount of rest before his first exam tomorrow, but he still feels like he has so much more that he needs to do.

There’s always more to do.

His feet carry him to the kitchen and he runs through the list of things he still has to go over as he mindlessly scans the shelves for something to get him through the rest of his last-minute cramming session. He settles on a protein bar, hoping it will be enough to power him through the night.

His eating habits are usually much better than this. Keiji is usually one to make sure he’s getting everything his body needs through his meals, but during exam season he just can’t be bothered. There are more important things to focus on. 

Once he’s finished eating, he heads back to his room and settles at his desk one more. He scans the notes splayed out across the surface, not knowing where to start anymore. He’s stared at them for so long that it’s all started to blur. He’s not even sure he’s taking anything in anymore, can’t tell if his brain is retaining any of the information he’s been force-feeding it. 

Objectively, he knows he’s done enough. He started studying weeks in advance, rewriting all of his notes meticulously, completing practice questions and reviewing old assignments and tests. He can’t seem to get his brain to focus for more than a few minutes, and knows that he should probably just call it a night and get as much rest as he can. He knows that he’s prepared, knows that he’ll definitely pass his exams if he just leaves his notes for the night. He may even dare to think that he would do well if he were to write his exams with the preparation he’s already done.

He’s done enough. He knows this. But his brain is still telling him that there’s more to do. 

There are still some assignments and old practice questions that he hasn’t been able to look over. He couldn't stay focused long enough to get through all of them, instead shifting to another topic to go over. He regrets not trying harder to focus on them now, because his brain won’t stop pointing out all the things he hasn’t reviewed yet.  _ You’re going to fail _ , his brain whispers incessantly. 

He knows he won’t fail. He knows he’ll do well.

_ But just “doing well” isn’t good enough, is it? _

He’s scored very well on his past exams, either acing or nearly acing all of them. If he wants to keep that up, then he needs to work even harder than he already has, and that means doing as much as he possibly can. He doesn’t have time to sit around when he could be reviewing more. He’ll never meet his goals if he doesn’t work for it and as of right now, he hasn’t done enough. 

_ It’s never enough. _

People don’t understand why he stresses so much about his grades.  _ “You’re smart, you don’t need to worry about it.” _ They tell him that he doesn’t even need to study, that he’ll do well anyway. They tell him that they would kill for grades like his, so he should be happy with what he’s got already.

They don’t realize that the reason he’s doing this well is  _ because  _ of how much work he puts into it. They don’t understand that he has his own expectations to meet, that they don’t share the same idea of “doing well.” For some, doing well is just doing enough to pass with a decent mark. For Keiji, doing well is performing the absolute best. He’s never been satisfied with just “getting by” or “scoring decently.” That’s not good enough for him.  _ It will never be just “good enough” for him. _

It doesn’t have anything to do with what others expect of him. It’s all about what he expects from himself. 

He doesn’t want to deal with that feeling of disappointment that comes with making an easy mistake on an exam, or the terror that comes with blanking out mid-exam because something that had been obvious before suddenly won’t come to him. He doesn’t want to think about how maybe if he had done more, then he wouldn’t have made those mistakes, about how maybe if he had gone over everything just _one more time_ , he wouldn’t have forgotten something so simple. 

All he can do to keep that from happening is just doing more. It may not be enough, but at least this way he can say that he tried.

He’s been rereading the same sentence for the past 5 minutes. He rubs at his eyes, hoping it will help him make sense of the nonsense scribbled down on the page in front of him. It doesn’t. He frowns. 

He leans back in his chair, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Five days. He just has to make it to Friday, and then it’ll all be over. But for now... 

He opens his eyes and gets back to work. 

~~~~~~~

Not much time passes before the buzzing of his phone breaks his concentration. 

He groans at the realization that he had forgotten to put it on silent before getting back to work. He goes to turn it off, but pauses when he sees who the message is from. 

** From: Bokuto Koutarou **

> _ akaashi!!! r u still awake??? _

> _if u r then u better be about 2 go 2 sleep >:( _

He sighs. It seems Bokuto knows him too well. He can already tell where this conversation is going. Even so, he taps out a response.

** To: Bokuto Koutarou **

> I’m still up. I just wanted to do a bit more review before tomorrow.

He gets a reply almost immediately.

** From: Bokuto Koutarou **

> _ D:< _

> _ akaashiiiiiiiii u should be resting!!! ur exams start tomorrow!!! _

Ah, there it is. He knew it was coming, but he still groans at Bokuto’s message. He can already tell he’s going to end up giving in eventually, but he’ll be damned if he lets it happen easily. He wants to put up at least a bit of a fight, even if he knows it’s futile.

** To: Bokuto Koutarou **

> I still have some things that I needed to go over. 

> Just a couple more, then I was going to call it a night.

Both he and Bokuto know that’s a lie, but he hopes Bokuto won’t call him out for it. The universe must be against him though, because Bokuto calls his bluff immediately. 

** From: Bokuto Koutarou **

> _ suuuuure u were _

> _ if i didnt text u i bet u wouldnt get any sleep at all _

He’s about to protest when another text comes in.

** From: Bokuto Koutarou **

> _ akaashi, ik u think ur not ready but from what uve told me u already studied lots!!! _

> _ like,,, way more than i wouldve  _

> _ ur totally ready!!! ik u will be fineeee _

** To: Bokuto Koutarou **

> I definitely don’t feel like I am, but thanks. 

He can practically see Bokuto’s pout through his texts. 

** From: Bokuto Koutarou **

> _ >:(((( _

> _ u r!! u put so much effort into it already, u know a lot more than u think u do _

> _ look its okay to be worried about it because that means u care  _

> _ but ur driving urself into the ground!!! ur not gonna do well if u dont take care of urself akaashi!!!1!!  _

Huh. He might have a point there. 

Keiji turns the words over in his head. It’s nothing new, nothing he hasn’t tried to tell himself before. But there’s something different about hearing it coming from someone else, especially someone close to him. It’s more convincing, he thinks, when it’s not just him trying to tell himself something that he’s not sure he believes even as he repeats it again and again.

** From: Bokuto Koutarou **

> _look ik u have more u want to do but ur probably exhausted from working all day (dont lie i know u were)_

Busted.

** From: Bokuto Koutarou **

> _ trying to get anything done now probably wont do anything if ur tired and not focusing properly!!  _

> _ just go to sleep akaashiiiiii!!! u will definitely feel better in the morning _

> _ and if u rlly need to u can do a bit of extra review before ur exam right??? _

Well... he can’t exactly argue with that one, can he? 

His head’s been pounding for the last couple of hours, and the words on the page are all blurring together. How long has he just been sitting here, trying to force something into his brain when it stopped accepting any new information hours ago?

** To: Bokuto Koutarou **

> I guess so...

** From: Bokuto Koutarou **

> _ cmon akaashi, dont make me come over there and force you to go to sleep >:( _

> _ ill carry u to the bed myself and sit on u until u fall asleep!!! _

> _ im being totally serious here!!!!! _

Ah. It’d be funnier if he didn’t know Bokuto really was entirely serious and would actually make good on his threat. 

** To: Bokuto Koutarou **

> That’s entirely unnecessary, thank you, though I wouldn’t put it past you to do something like that.

> Fine, I’ll leave the studying for today. 

** From: Bokuto Koutarou **

> _ u better!!!!!! _

> _ well if ur gonna sleep now then i wont keep u up any longer! _

Keiji can’t help the small pang of disappointment he feels. Talking to Bokuto usually helps him take his mind off whatever is bothering him, and he finds himself enjoying their conversations more than he cares to admit. 

Of course, he has to agree that sleeping is the better option now. He can barely keep his eyes open, much less focus on whatever it is that he’s been trying to study. 

** To: Bokuto Koutarou **

> Yeah, I’m going to sleep now.

After a moment’s consideration, he sends another text.

** To: Bokuto Koutarou **

> Thank you.

He knows that he would not have slept enough had Bokuto not texted when he did. He seemed to have a sixth sense for this sort of thing, seemed to know when Keiji was overworking himself. He took it upon himself to put a stop to it, to make sure Keiji took care of himself. Keiji doesn’t know if Bokuto realizes how much that means, how much he’s really helped him. It might not seem like much, just checking in on him here and there, but it means more than anyone could ever know. 

He hopes Bokuto can tell exactly what he’s trying to convey through his message.

** From: Bokuto Koutarou **

> _ anytime akaashi! :DD  _

> _ u know im always here if u need me _

> _ good night!!! sleep well and good luck with ur exams tomorrow!!!  _

** To: Bokuto Koutarou **

> Good night, Bokuto-san.

With a faint smile lingering on his face, he sets his phone down and steps away from his desk, making his way over to his bed. Everything else can wait until tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> We all need a Bokuto in our lives, don’t we? 
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> This is my first completed work so I hope it wasn’t too bad! If you liked it, maybe leave a comment or kudos or something? I’d really appreciate it and it’d let me know if I’m doing a good job!
> 
> If anyone is also stressing over exams right now, you got this! Remember to eat, drink lots of water, don’t push yourself too hard and get lots of sleep! Believe me, you’ll do a lot better (and feel a lot better!) if you take care of yourself :)
> 
> Edit: I'm on twitter [@babybluebells](https://twitter.com/babybluebells) so if you wanna come say hi, yell at me, yell WITH me about hq/bokuaka feel free to drop by! I'm pretty new to the platform though so I'm still finding my way around, but I'm figuring it out!


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